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Deaf Jokes

Three people are on a train: one Russian, one Cuban, and one Deaf person. The Russian is drinking from a bottle of vodka. She drinks about half the bottle and then throws it out the window. The Deaf person looks at her surprised. "Why did you throw out a bottle that was half full?" The Russian replies, "Oh, in my country we have plenty of vodka." Meanwhile, the Cuban, who is smoking a rich aromatic cigar, abruptly tosses it out the window. The Deaf person is surprised again and asks, "Why did you throw out a half-smoked cigar?" The Cuban replies, "Oh, in my country we have plenty of cigars." The Deaf person nods with interest. A little while later a hearing person walks down the aisle. The Deaf person grabs the hearing person and throws him out the window. The Russian and the Cuban look up in amazement. The Deaf person shrugs, "In my country we have plenty of hearing people!"

 

A DEAF YOUNG MAN WAS SPENDING THE NIGHT AT THE APARTMENT OF A MARRIED COUPLE OF HIS ACQUAINTANCE. SINCE THEY HAD NO COUCH, THE COUPLE DECIDED TO SHARE THEIR BED WITH THE GUEST, AND THEY ALL RETIRED EARLY.

IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARDS THAT THE WIFE WHISPERED IN THE YOUNG MAN'S EAR, "PULL A HAIR FROM MY HUSBAND'S BUTT: IF HE'S ASLEEP WE CAN MAKE LOVE."


THE DEAF YOUNG MAN DID AS INSTRUCTED, AND AFTER GETTING NO RESPONSE FROM THE HUSBAND, HE PROCEEDED TO MAKE LOVE WITH THE WIFE. NOT FEELING COMPLETELY SATISFIED, THE WIFE PROCEEDED TO PROPOSE THE SAME COURSE OF ACTION A SECOND TIME, AND LATER A THIRD TIME, AND THE DEAF YOUNG MAN WAS ONLY TOO HAPPY TO OBLIGE.

FINALLY THE HUSBAND ROLLED OVER AND SAID WEARILY "LISTEN, IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE IN THE SAME BED AS ME, BUT DO YOU HAVE TO USE MY BUTT AS A SCOREBOARD?"


There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!" And the frog lept. The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can jump."

The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: "JUMP!" And the frog jumped.  The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump with three legs."

The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!" And the frog jumped. The scientist then added to his previous observations: "Frogs can jump with two legs."

On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!" And the frog jumped. Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!"

Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!" But alas the frog did not leap. "JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist. Still, the frog did not leap. "JUMP!" yelled the scientist. The frog did not leap.

The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: "Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf."

There was deaf neat-nik, who moved into a new house where it was a dusty mess. She got out the cleaners and garbage bags and went to work. When she got to the attic, she dusted off a lamp and a genie popped out said, "Oh, master, what may I grant thee?" The deaf woman signed, "Give me hearing." The genie blinked his eyes and the woman could hear.

"This is amazing!" the woman said. "You blinked your eyes and now I can hear!" The genie replied, "Yes, that's how it works. You have 2 wishes left. What else do you want?"

The then hearing neat-nik said, "Well, you can clean the house to get rid of all this dust." Another blink and it was done. "The 3rd wish," says the hearing woman, "I will hold onto for a while."

Then BOOM!!! BANG!!! Various noises were coming from everywhere! The woman ran downstairs and her kids were fighting and yelling. They saw her and start doing the usual sign and talk, only she could hear them and it drove her batty. She decided to tell her husband, but when she walked into the room, he was screaming and yelling at the TV. The radio was blaring, too, and his friends were all there hooting and hollering. “Oh, it’s just the game, Honey,” he signed.

The next day, she went to her job and she could hear the copier, the printer, the people, the traffic, and more. She went back home and the house was a mess. She freaked out and finally told them that they didn't appreciate her. "Just once," she said, "I wish I could have a quiet and clean house!!!" All of a sudden, she saw the genie, who blinked his eyes. Instantly, she wass deaf again, back in her cleaning clothes in her attic. The genie said, "Seems to me that is the only way to grant your wish." The once again deaf neat-nik says, “THANK YOU!!!!!”

A deaf couple checks into a motel. They retire early. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes her husband complaining of a headache and asks him to go to the car and get some aspirin from the glove compartment. Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and goes out of the room to his car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel. But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up, all but one. It's his wife's room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the room without a light.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


A WOMAN WENT INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD GROCERY STORE AND ASKED THE GROCER FOR A CAN OF CAT FOOD. THE GROCER KNEW THE WOMAN AND KNEW THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE A CAT. SO HE ASKED WHY SHE WAS BUYING THE CAT FOOD. THE WOMAN REPLIED, "IT'S FOR MY DEAF HUSBAND'S LUNCH." THE GROCER WAS SHOCKED AND SAID, "YOU CAN'T FEED CAT FOOD TO YOUR DEAF HUSBAND! IT WILL KILL HIM." "I'VE BEEN GIVING IT TO HIM FOR A WEEK NOW, AND HE REALLY LIKES IT!" SHE REPLIED.

AND SO EACH DAY, THE WOMAN WOULD COME IN AND BUY A CAN OF CAT FOOD FOR HER HUSBAND'S LUNCH. ONE DAY THE GROCER HAPPENED TO BE SCANNING THE OBITUARY COLUMN OF THE LOCAL PAPER AND NOTICED THAT THE WOMAN'S HUSBAND HAD PASSED AWAY. WHEN SHE CAME INTO THE STORE A FEW DAYS LATER, HE SAID TO HER. "IM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DEAF HUSBAND, BUT I TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU KEPT ON GIVING HIM CAT FOOD IT WOULD KILL HIM."

THE WOMAN REPLIED, "IT WASN'T THE CAT FOOD THAT KILLED HIM.. HE BROKE HIS NECK TRYING TO LICK HIS BUTT!"

 

 

ONE SPRING DAY, ONE DEAF MAN, AND ONE HEARING MAN WERE OUT IN THE WOODS HUNTING. FEELING A SUDDEN NEED TO RELIEVE HIMSELF, DEAF GEORGE WENT OVER TO A NEARBY CLUMP OF BUSHES, UNZIPPED HIS FLY, AND STARTED IN WHEN A POISONOUS SNAKE LUNGED OUT OF THE GREENERY AND BIT HIM ON HIS PRIVATES. DEAF GEORGE HOWLED IN PAIN AND FRIGHT, AND WAVED HIS HAND OUT. HIS HEARING FRIEND, FRED, CAME RUNNING UP AND TOLD HIM TO LIE STILL WHILE HE RUSHED INTO TOWN FOR A DOCTOR.

"THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO SAVE YOUR FRIEND'S LIFE", SAID THE DOCTOR, GRAVELY. "IF YOU CUT AN "X" OVER THE BITE AND SUCK OUT THE VENOM, HE’LL BE OKAY, BUT OTHERWISE THERE'S NOT MUCH HOPE".


FRED ROSE WEAKLY UP ON ONE ELBOW AND CRIED OUT, "WHAT'D HE SAY?" WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?” "GEORGE, OLD FRIEND", SAID FRED SADLY, "HE SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

 

A MAN WENT INTO A BAR AFTER WORK ONE DAY, AND AFTER A BEER OR TWO HE NOTICED A DEAF MAN PASSED OUT IN THE CORNER. AFTER AN HOUR OR SO THE FELLOW WAS STILL VERY DRUNK AND INCOHERENT, SO, BEING A NICE GUY, THE FIRST MAN DECIDED TO TAKE HIM HOME.
HE LOOKED UP THE DRUNK'S ADDRESS IN HIS WALLET, THEN STARTED STRUGGLING TO GET THE MAN OUT TO HIS CAR. DRAGGING, HEAVING, AND FINALLY CARRYING THE DEAF MAN, HE FINALLY REACHED HIS CAR: THEN THE PROCESS HAD TO BE REPEATED IN FRONT OF THE DRUNKS' HOUSE. AT LAST THE NICE GUY GOT THE DEAF MAN UP TO THE DOOR AND RANG THE BELL, WHICH WAS PROMPTLY ANSWERED BY PLEASANT-LOOKING MOTHER . "OH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING HIM HERE," SAID. "BUT WHERE'S HIS WHEELCHAIR?"

 

You make the famous "Nod of Incomprehension" when:

  • You are hearing person who is beginning to learn Sign.
  • You are oral deaf person who is pretending to listen to spoken conversation.
  • You are Deaf person who is pretending to read English.
  • When you are a hearing relative listening to a deaf relative talking (vocally).
  • When you are a deaf employee lipreading his/her hearing boss.
  • When you are a hearing boss reading deaf employee's writing.

Here are warning signs to tell if a Culturally Deaf person has become Culturally Hearing:

1.      You actually laugh at sound puns.

2.      When someone asks you where you come from, you no longer assume that he was asking which school you went to.

3.      You buy a stereo system without feeling silly.

4.      You actually dance at a party instead of talking non-stop for hours.

5.      You spell by sound rather than sight. For example, you quit misspelling the word "ridiculous" as "ridicilous" and start misspelling it as "rediculous".

6.      You no longer look directly into a person's eyes when you talk to him... your eyes drift all over the place just like a hearing person.

7.      You talk in your sleep with your voice instead of your hands.

8.      You understand slang

9.      You can communicate well in public without resorting to writing.

10. You sit in the back of class.

11. You hear a fart before the smell actually reaches you.

12. You know when you’re making “too much noise” while you’re in the public restroom or eating in a fancy restaurant.

 

For more jokes, see these pages:

DeafJokes.com

ASL University Joke Page

See Misc. Section of AllDeaf.com